Congress Strategy to Win 2014 – A Guest Post

Today I had the opportunity to read a guest post on a twitter celebrity’s blog post. This article is inspired by the same. (That explains the poor quality :D)

I immediately started searching for a bakra who would be willing to write in my anonymous blog. Unable to fool anyone into my harebrained scheme, I went into a lonely chintan shivir. If it is Congress can the inner voice be far away? I decided to rope in my inner voice to write a guest post on my blog. Friends I present the perspicacious *Chee Thoo* my inner voice.

(Inner Voice to me: Boss. Are we trying to spoof on Congress or CRI / Prasanna Vishy? Cut down on bombastic words. Talk of only what is Germane to the issue).

OK! OK! Here is *Chee Thoo*’s debut:-

*Strategy for Congress Revival in India*

There are enough Indications that the Current Year will be terminated within the next few days. 2014 will be advanced and most probably the last day of the current year will be December 31st. Rahul G has also devised a strategy and the first step will be to name next year 2014.

It is pertinent to note that there has been no year called *2014* before and I challenge the BJPtards to come up with a better name for the next year. Be that as it may, what is relevant now is the election strategy of Congress for the year 2014.  I argue here that Rahul G has a mother and a father. It may be seen that everyone has. But not many have Rajiv G as their father. By a sheer coincidence equal number have Sonia G as their mother. Our sources in the GOP tell us that there are only two such people in this world. Can you believe it?

Nevertheless, Sonia G in her wisdom went only to one room on that cold night in Jaipur and said *Beta. Power is poison.* So that beta we are told is now all ready to take the mantle of power. We understand that the current strategy of the Congress is to have the elections as early as possible. We are reliably told that the elections would be held in May 2014. (Unless Sagarika Ghose lays a copyright claim on 2014, the whole world is free to use it after giving due credit to Rahul G.)

The strategy of Congress is to give BJP very little time to get ready for the election. As a first measure February will be curtailed to 28 days. But there is a general conspiracy against Congress by RSS agents that other months will have 30/31 days as it suits the RSS. Poor Rahul G! He has to fight the calendar apart from fighting the opposition.

Rahul G is already going through his family photo albums and videos to prepare for a series of speeches. He can’t keep quoting the same anecdotes in all rallies, obviously. Ekta K is also being roped in along with her story team to prepare few tear jerker skits. The problem with the Balaji Tele team is that they are capable only of Mega Serials. And General Election is in this year. Not five years from now. Only advantage of going to *Balaji Tele* is you can squeeze in a Jumbo Cabinet and they would still be short of a few characters.

Rahul G has decided to model himself on his Great Grandfather Nehru, while Priyanka G will turn up dressed like Indira G. (Editor’s Note: This is not Halloween costumes. That season is gone. This is election season.) Two things that Rahul G is going to focus is Secularism and Casteless Society. First to tackle secularism. Rahul G has asked his core team to identify the voter base minority religionwise in each constituency. Taking a cue from AAP’s constitution specific manifesto, Rahul G has decided to tell the dominant religion in each constituency how he belongs to their group.

An interesting Aside: When recently he had to talk to a large group containing Digambar Jains, he called his PA on phone and asked him to get the Jain Monk costume so that he could go to the speech dressed like a jain monk. Rahul G became very upset when his PA turned up empty handed and it took a long time to convince Rahul G that his idea was not practicable.

The crack team has now identified the Mullahs and Padres who control voters in each constituency and Rahul G has chalked out a plan where he will appear with a large number of these Religious heads wearing suitable Topi and slam Saffron Terrorism, so that he can prove his secular credentials. An IT team has been engaged to sort the Religious heads according to their ability to catch votes. Rahul G is also aware that there will be some negative impacts of such a policy. For example, if he appears along with Shia Cleric in a particular district while this may get him some votes in that district, this might cost him some votes in a district nearby that might be Sunni dominated.

Interestingly, he had also asked Arnab G to spare his visual media team. (Ed. Note: If this article is published in NYT, reader to note that Arnab G is not a relative of Rahul G. Arnab is a Goswami while Rahul is a Gandhi.) The visual media team head is locked up in his room and is afraid of coming out. Reliable sources tell us that the Congress Media team wanted him to design a software so that Rahul G’s dress would automatically change colour to suit the religion of the majority of voters watching the speech on TV.

The Second Agenda is Caste based politics. Rahul G, we understand, is very upset with the influence of caste on politics. We understand he has told his speechwriter that in India People vote their caste and not cast their votes. The expat writer is tearing his hair to find out what that really means. Meanwhile DigvijayJi has stepped in and made a minor correction in the well designed questionnaire for potential candidates for the 2014 election. After the coloumn *Name*  a nondescript coloumn *Caste* has been added. Digvijayji has also checked up with his team whether they have the Constitutionwise Caste break up of the voters. The IT team is writing a complex algorithm to map which caste would vote with a particular caste and which against.

All set for General Election. Only thing pending is AAP ka support. Meant you the voter friend, don’t misunderstand me.

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